This is my last article before the holidays, so I thought I’d use it to regale you with some holiday “Neverisms” — things that you should never ortter do. Here’s hoping they’l help you have a happy, healthy holiday.
Holiday Etiquette
HOLIDAY PREPARATIONS
Never hire a cleaning lady named Dusty. ~ David Corrado
HOLIDAY GIFT BUYING
[pullquote]If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum. ~ Chinese proverb[/pullquote]
Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store. ~ Addison Mizner
Never buy a pit bull from a one-armed man. ~ Dave Barry
Never buy a parachute marked: “For Sale: Only used once, never opened, small stain.”
HOLIDAY ATTIRE
Never wear a hat that has more character than you do. ~ Michael Harris, former owner of Paul’s Hat Works in San Francisco
Never wear anything that panics the cat. ~ P. J. O’Rourke
HOLIDAY DRIVING
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly. ~ Bumper sticker
HOLIDAY EATING
Never feel compelled to finish everything on your plate.
Never inhale through your nose when eating a powdered doughnut. ~ Dave Barry
Never (consume) food in excess of your body weight. ~ Erma Bombeck
HOLIDAY DINNER CONVERSATION
The rule in carving holds good as to criticism; never cut with a knife what you can cut with a spoon. ~ Charles Buxton
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry always gets the best of the argument. ~ Richard Whately
Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. ~ Norman Ford
GRACIOUS GIFT RECEIVING
Technically, this isn’t a “Neverism.” However, it’s likely that some of us may receive a gift (or two) that we really don’t care for. If that should happen to you, try to be as gracious as the bald man who received the the comb as a present, and simply say, as he did:
“Thank you very much. I’ll never part with it.”
THE GOOD HOLIDAY GUEST
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. ~ Oscar Wilde
Strive always to be the former, never the latter.
For Your Consideration: A Dozen Neverism New Year’s Resolutions
- Never let a computer know you’re in a hurry.
- Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. ~ Cowboy Proverb
- Never let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you. ~ Joey Adams
- Never have children, only grandchildren. ~ Gore Vidal
- Never moon a werewolf. ~ Mike Binder
- Never say “bite me” to a vampire. ~ Dave Barry
- Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. ~ Anonymous
- Never raise your hand to your children…it leaves your midsection unprotected. ~ Robert Orben
- Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do. ~ Johnny Carson
- Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with something bigger and heavier. ~ Dave Barry
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. ~ Dave Barry
Two Thoughts For You To Reflect Upon This Upcoming Holiday…
It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. ~ Berke Breathed
It’s never too late to be what you might have been. ~ Mary Ann Evans (under the pen name, ‘George Eliot’)
Happy Holidays to you and yours, and a joyous New Year!
The bald man said “I’ll never part with this comb”? OMG.
Happy holidays John. Thanks for all the wonderful posts in 2013.
“It’s never too late to start all over again
To love the people you caused the pain” – Steppenwolf
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