I Know What The Next Hit Product from Apple Is

on May 31, 2014

It’s been four years since Apple released the first iPad and tech watchers are getting restless. When will Apple release another hit product? Where’s the Apple TV? Where’s the iWatch? Has the company lost its nerve post-Steve Jobs?

Don’t worry, Tim Cook & Company haven’t lost their nerve. It’s just taking longer than expected to finish the next insanely great iProduct.

The funny thing is all the supposed insiders have it wrong. It’s not an iWatch or an Apple TV. And the recently introduced CarPlay? Please. That’s something Apple slapped together that actually runs on software owned by BlackBerry. It was created to literally drive us to distraction from what Cupertino’s really up to.

What is that? My source at Apple has begged me to keep quiet, but it’s going to come out at some point (perhaps as soon as this week’s WWDC), so you might as well hear it from me.

Inspired by Steve Jobs
The famed R&D labs at Apple have been able to recreate the thing that made Steve Jobs such a force to be reckoned with. That’s right, Apple can now replicate the same kind of Reality Distortion Field (RDF) Steve Jobs made famous – his ability to convince anyone that anything Apple did was the best thing ever created.

The geniuses at Apple have been able to digitize the essential RDF elements and cram all the electronics into a wearable device. The early prototypes show promise. The so-called iAmulet is not only solar powered, it’s waterproof. In early tests users were able, for example, to convince people deathly afraid of the water to jump in and take a swim.

The trouble with solar though is it’s no good indoors. So for example, an Apple tech was able to convince a test subject enjoying a stroll in the park he had to immediately go to the Apple Store and buy an iPad. But once inside, the reality distortion field wore off and he became so disoriented he went to the nearest Best Buy and bought a Surface RT tablet out of the remainders bin.

So Apple still has some work to do. I hear one thing they are considering is to make all the Apple Stores open air and let the sun shine in so sales reps wearing the iAmulet will have no problem convincing customers to buy even the most expensive Mac.

What’s Next?
Don’t think for a minute Apple will own the reality distortion market. Already there are competitors.

A group of former employees at Jobs’ old company, NeXT, have formed a startup called NextNext that’s working on a consumer-oriented wearable. Powered by the company’s breakthrough Reality Show Distortion Field software, the NextStrip provides a drug free solution to depression and feelings of ennui.

“Just like the stars of Reality TV shows, the NextStrip makes you feel like every trivial thing you say is of importance to millions of people,” NextNext founder Wynot Newton told me.

The best part is the NextStrip is easy to wear and unobtrusive. The moisture-powered NextStrip uses a Velcro lining to cling to the inside of your undergarments and gently vibrates providing an added weight loss feature.

“This is not just technology for technology’s sake,” says Newton. “We think there’s a real need in the marketplace for something like this.”

I could not tell if Newton was wearing a NextStrip when he said this.

Hope you enjoyed a little weekend humor.