I Know What The Next Hit Product from Apple Is

It’s been four years since Apple released the first iPad and tech watchers are getting restless. When will Apple release another hit product? Where’s the Apple TV? Where’s the iWatch? Has the company lost its nerve post-Steve Jobs?

Don’t worry, Tim Cook & Company haven’t lost their nerve. It’s just taking longer than expected to finish the next insanely great iProduct.

The funny thing is all the supposed insiders have it wrong. It’s not an iWatch or an Apple TV. And the recently introduced CarPlay? Please. That’s something Apple slapped together that actually runs on software owned by BlackBerry. It was created to literally drive us to distraction from what Cupertino’s really up to.

What is that? My source at Apple has begged me to keep quiet, but it’s going to come out at some point (perhaps as soon as this week’s WWDC), so you might as well hear it from me.

Inspired by Steve Jobs
The famed R&D labs at Apple have been able to recreate the thing that made Steve Jobs such a force to be reckoned with. That’s right, Apple can now replicate the same kind of Reality Distortion Field (RDF) Steve Jobs made famous – his ability to convince anyone that anything Apple did was the best thing ever created.

The geniuses at Apple have been able to digitize the essential RDF elements and cram all the electronics into a wearable device. The early prototypes show promise. The so-called iAmulet is not only solar powered, it’s waterproof. In early tests users were able, for example, to convince people deathly afraid of the water to jump in and take a swim.

The trouble with solar though is it’s no good indoors. So for example, an Apple tech was able to convince a test subject enjoying a stroll in the park he had to immediately go to the Apple Store and buy an iPad. But once inside, the reality distortion field wore off and he became so disoriented he went to the nearest Best Buy and bought a Surface RT tablet out of the remainders bin.

So Apple still has some work to do. I hear one thing they are considering is to make all the Apple Stores open air and let the sun shine in so sales reps wearing the iAmulet will have no problem convincing customers to buy even the most expensive Mac.

What’s Next?
Don’t think for a minute Apple will own the reality distortion market. Already there are competitors.

A group of former employees at Jobs’ old company, NeXT, have formed a startup called NextNext that’s working on a consumer-oriented wearable. Powered by the company’s breakthrough Reality Show Distortion Field software, the NextStrip provides a drug free solution to depression and feelings of ennui.

“Just like the stars of Reality TV shows, the NextStrip makes you feel like every trivial thing you say is of importance to millions of people,” NextNext founder Wynot Newton told me.

The best part is the NextStrip is easy to wear and unobtrusive. The moisture-powered NextStrip uses a Velcro lining to cling to the inside of your undergarments and gently vibrates providing an added weight loss feature.

“This is not just technology for technology’s sake,” says Newton. “We think there’s a real need in the marketplace for something like this.”

I could not tell if Newton was wearing a NextStrip when he said this.

Hope you enjoyed a little weekend humor.

Published by

David Needle

Veteran Silicon Valley-based technology journalist David Needle has been an Editor and Reporter for leading magazines and websites, most recently Editor and Conference Director of TabTimes a website focused on the business use of tablets. Among other positions, he's been a News Editor at Infoworld, Editor of Computer Currents, West Coast Bureau Chief for both InformationWeek and Internet.com and an accomplished freelance writer for such publications as Forbes, PCWorld and Upside.

15 thoughts on “I Know What The Next Hit Product from Apple Is”

    1. But the really impressive phenomenon is how many “suckers” actually root for the “Barnums”.

  1. Another in a long string of idiotic Techpiinion article but this one is even dumber than most. That is really saying something too.

  2. If Apple created a paradigm shifting product every five years, then more is demanded of the company. Such products arise once in a blue moon. It takes usually fifteen to twenty five years before the next revolution takes everything by storm. The PC revolution, the internet revolution, social network, the iTunes-iPod-iPhone revolution etc have been spaced evenly. iTunes was the foundation. iPod was the frames and walls. Then came the iPhone and finally the iPad. Now all they can do is make variations of it. The market is not settled with the most preferable and practical size/shape/ergonomics yet.

    Putting Apple under pressure with too many expectations can stem their creativity. Creative efforts seldom work under pressure. Let Apple do whatever it wants. It may not make the world changing product for years to come. They are making decent money already with minor adjustments, borrowing others’ ideas and stabilizing. Right now they are working on reducing the one-man-iconic effect. When Steve Jobs died, many forecast the demise of Apple. Instead, Apple has grown from strength to strength. They are building incrementally.

    It would be a disaster for Apple to go into TV business without making a ground shaking system and infrastructure that is fundamentally different from the existing systems in terms of end user preference, cost, content etc. Apple can start venturing into audio devices in partnership companies like Bose. That is where the next revolution can be – small and elegant receivers, bluetooth enabled wireless speakers, sound experience and so on. If WWDC is disappointing, do not be alarmed. Apple focuses on the long term.

  3. They’re not laying the groundwork for tV innovation much like how ipod paved the way for future techs at cupertino. If they were making the deals with the studios and the networks, deals to democratize media content in their iTv, while letting the networks profit just as much, then its really far from becoming a reality.

    Also, imagine the supply chain that this new product have on Apple’s capacity, with its ever oc orientation to high standards of quality. Just imagine a measly 4 inch+ screen display is causing supply problems for Apple..imagine what 40+ inches of tv screen display will do to their supply chains…

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