Neverisms: Holiday Etiquette, New Year’s Resolutions & Well Wishes

John Kirk on December 19, 2013

This is my last article before the holidays, so I thought I’d use it to regale you with some holiday “Neverisms” — things that you should never ortter do. Here’s hoping they’l help you have a happy, healthy holiday.

Holiday Etiquette

HOLIDAY PREPARATIONS

Never hire a cleaning lady named Dusty. ~ David Corrado

HOLIDAY GIFT BUYING

[pullquote]If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum. ~ Chinese proverb[/pullquote]

Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store. ~ Addison Mizner

Never buy a pit bull from a one-armed man. ~ Dave Barry

Never buy a parachute marked: “For Sale: Only used once, never opened, small stain.”

HOLIDAY ATTIRE

Never wear a hat that has more character than you do. ~ Michael Harris, former owner of Paul’s Hat Works in San Francisco

Never wear anything that panics the cat. ~ P. J. O’Rourke

HOLIDAY DRIVING

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly. ~ Bumper sticker

HOLIDAY EATING

Never feel compelled to finish everything on your plate.

Never inhale through your nose when eating a powdered doughnut. ~ Dave Barry

Never (consume) food in excess of your body weight. ~ Erma Bombeck

HOLIDAY DINNER CONVERSATION

The rule in carving holds good as to criticism; never cut with a knife what you can cut with a spoon. ~ Charles Buxton

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry always gets the best of the argument. ~ Richard Whately

Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. ~ Norman Ford

GRACIOUS GIFT RECEIVING

Technically, this isn’t a “Neverism.” However, it’s likely that some of us may receive a gift (or two) that we really don’t care for. If that should happen to you, try to be as gracious as the bald man who received the the comb as a present, and simply say, as he did:

“Thank you very much. I’ll never part with it.”

THE GOOD HOLIDAY GUEST

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. ~ Oscar Wilde

Strive always to be the former, never the latter.

For Your Consideration: A Dozen Neverism New Year’s Resolutions

Never let a computer know you’re in a hurry.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. ~ Cowboy Proverb
Never let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you. ~ Joey Adams
Never have children, only grandchildren. ~ Gore Vidal
Never moon a werewolf. ~ Mike Binder
Never say “bite me” to a vampire. ~ Dave Barry
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. ~ Anonymous
Never raise your hand to your children…it leaves your midsection unprotected. ~ Robert Orben
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do. ~ Johnny Carson
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with something bigger and heavier. ~ Dave Barry
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. ~ Dave Barry