Neverisms: Holiday Etiquette, New Year’s Resolutions & Well Wishes
This is my last article before the holidays, so I thought I’d use it to regale you with some holiday “Neverisms” — things that you should never ortter do. Here’s hoping they’l help you have a happy, healthy holiday.
Never hire a cleaning lady named Dusty. ~ David Corrado
HOLIDAY GIFT BUYING
If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum. ~ Chinese proverb
Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store. ~ Addison Mizner
Never buy a pit bull from a one-armed man. ~ Dave Barry
Never buy a parachute marked: “For Sale: Only used once, never opened, small stain.”
Never wear a hat that has more character than you do. ~ Michael Harris, former owner of Paul’s Hat Works in San Francisco
Never wear anything that panics the cat. ~ P. J. O’Rourke
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly. ~ Bumper sticker
Never feel compelled to finish everything on your plate.
Never inhale through your nose when eating a powdered doughnut. ~ Dave Barry
Never (consume) food in excess of your body weight. ~ Erma Bombeck
HOLIDAY DINNER CONVERSATION
The rule in carving holds good as to criticism; never cut with a knife what you can cut with a spoon. ~ Charles Buxton
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry always gets the best of the argument. ~ Richard Whately
Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. ~ Norman Ford
GRACIOUS GIFT RECEIVING
Technically, this isn’t a “Neverism.” However, it’s likely that some of us may receive a gift (or two) that we really don’t care for. If that should happen to you, try to be as gracious as the bald man who received the the comb as a present, and simply say, as he did:
“Thank you very much. I’ll never part with it.”
THE GOOD HOLIDAY GUEST
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. ~ Oscar Wilde
Strive always to be the former, never the latter.
For Your Consideration: A Dozen Neverism New Year’s Resolutions
- Never let a computer know you’re in a hurry.
- Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. ~ Cowboy Proverb
- Never let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you. ~ Joey Adams
- Never have children, only grandchildren. ~ Gore Vidal
- Never moon a werewolf. ~ Mike Binder
- Never say “bite me” to a vampire. ~ Dave Barry
- Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. ~ Anonymous
- Never raise your hand to your children…it leaves your midsection unprotected. ~ Robert Orben
- Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do. ~ Johnny Carson
- Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with something bigger and heavier. ~ Dave Barry
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. ~ Dave Barry
Two Thoughts For You To Reflect Upon This Upcoming Holiday…
It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. ~ Berke Breathed
It’s never too late to be what you might have been. ~ Mary Ann Evans (under the pen name, ‘George Eliot’)
Happy Holidays to you and yours, and a joyous New Year!