Neverisms: Holiday Etiquette, New Year’s Resolutions & Well Wishes

John Kirk / December 19th, 2013

This is my last article before the holidays, so I thought I’d use it to regale you with some holiday “Neverisms” — things that you should never ortter do. Here’s hoping they’l help you have a happy, healthy holiday.

Holiday Etiquette

HOLIDAY PREPARATIONS

Never hire a cleaning lady named Dusty. ~ David Corrado

HOLIDAY GIFT BUYING

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum. ~ Chinese proverb

Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store. ~ Addison Mizner

Never buy a pit bull from a one-armed man. ~ Dave Barry

Never buy a parachute marked: “For Sale: Only used once, never opened, small stain.”

HOLIDAY ATTIRE

Never wear a hat that has more character than you do. ~ Michael Harris, former owner of Paul’s Hat Works in San Francisco

Never wear anything that panics the cat. ~ P. J. O’Rourke

HOLIDAY DRIVING

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly. ~ Bumper sticker

HOLIDAY EATING

Never feel compelled to finish everything on your plate.

Never inhale through your nose when eating a powdered doughnut. ~ Dave Barry

Never (consume) food in excess of your body weight. ~ Erma Bombeck

HOLIDAY DINNER CONVERSATION

The rule in carving holds good as to criticism; never cut with a knife what you can cut with a spoon. ~ Charles Buxton

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry always gets the best of the argument. ~ Richard Whately

Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. ~ Norman Ford

GRACIOUS GIFT RECEIVING

Technically, this isn’t a “Neverism.” However, it’s likely that some of us may receive a gift (or two) that we really don’t care for. If that should happen to you, try to be as gracious as the bald man who received the the comb as a present, and simply say, as he did:

“Thank you very much. I’ll never part with it.”

THE GOOD HOLIDAY GUEST

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. ~ Oscar Wilde

Strive always to be the former, never the latter.

For Your Consideration: A Dozen Neverism New Year’s Resolutions

  1. Never let a computer know you’re in a hurry.
  2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. ~ Cowboy Proverb
  3. Never let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you. ~ Joey Adams
  4. Never have children, only grandchildren. ~ Gore Vidal
  5. Never moon a werewolf. ~ Mike Binder
  6. Never say “bite me” to a vampire. ~ Dave Barry
  7. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. ~ Anonymous
  8. Never raise your hand to your children…it leaves your midsection unprotected. ~ Robert Orben
  9. Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do. ~ Johnny Carson
  10. Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with something bigger and heavier. ~ Dave Barry
  11. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. ~ Dave Barry

Two Thoughts For You To Reflect Upon This Upcoming Holiday…

Never too late

It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. ~ Berke Breathed

It’s never too late to be what you might have been. ~ Mary Ann Evans (under the pen name, ‘George Eliot’)

Happy Holidays to you and yours, and a joyous New Year!

John Kirk

John R. Kirk is a recovering attorney. He has also worked as a financial advisor and a business coach. His love affair with computing started with his purchase of the original Mac in 1985. His primary interest is the field of personal computing (which includes phones, tablets, notebooks and desktops) and his primary focus is on long-term business strategies: What makes a company unique; How do those unique qualities aid or inhibit the success of the company; and why don’t (or can’t) other companies adopt the successful attributes of their competitors?
  • wentaway

    The bald man said “I’ll never part with this comb”? OMG.

  • Nangka

    Happy holidays John. Thanks for all the wonderful posts in 2013.

  • N8nnc

    “It’s never too late to start all over again
    To love the people you caused the pain” – Steppenwolf

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